The Weight of Living
by therevolutionaryprincess
Summary: Sequel to my story Tiny Dancer, covering the period between the last chapter and somewhere closer to the epilogue of that story. Tony now lives with the boys in their apartment, but will his revelation of a secret destroy his relationship with James? and will him and Kendall be able to overcome the trauma they've experienced?


Chapter 1.

James

_There's an albatross around your neck,_

_all the things you've said and the things you've done:_

_can you carry it with no regrets?_

_Can you stand the person you've become? ~ Bastille, The Weight of Living Part I _

Graduation came and passed for me, the guys, and Tony. Tony had moved in with Logan, Carlos and me, sharing a room with Carlos but often sleeping in my bed or Kendall's next door. The ordeal with Mr Knight had left them both plagued with nightmares. Many nights Kendall slept with me and Tony either on the living room floor or in a bed. The horrors were over, Mr Knight had been hospitalized and then arrested and was awaiting a kidnapping trial.

The pain however was still there, evident in Tony's eyes by day, little flickers of a wounded soul glowing from behind them like moonlight.

He didn't like to talk about it, except to Kendall or Mrs Knight. He would give me that look like distant moonlight, tortured flickers that snuck out in places like the car, or while he did his makeup in the bathroom mirror, just a sideways panicked glance as he dotted on his winged eyeliner.

Kendall got sober in a 12 step program after his release from the hospital. Him and Tony often would lay on the floor of the living room pouring over Kendall's books and step work. Those two were almost inseparable. Talking in light touches and whispers, falling asleep together in my bed so I could keep them both safe Tony would lie between us and we'd all get close. I liked to prop myself up and trace my fingertips In circles on Tony 's skin while he slept, Tony was beautiful and strong.

I woke up In the middle of the night one hot summer evening we'd all slept together and I noticed Kendall, a mess of blonde hair over his eyes. He held Tony in his arms, Tony was shaking. I blanketed an arm over them both. We learned to deal with the nightmares, that they'd be an almost every night occurrence for a while the doctors had said, and soon it'd be less frequent that one of them woke up scared in the night.

The next morning Mrs. Knight was making french toast in the kitchen. I kissed Tony's forehead lightly.

"Wake up Princess" I whispered, as his eyelashes fluttered. His arms wrapped around my neck and he kissed my cheek.

we untangled ourselves from each other and slipped out of the bed and into the kitchen to eat. Tony threw on a black robe over his leggings and tee shirt that he slept in, his hair was growing longer every day, and he threw it up in a ponytail I wrapped an arm around him.

We sat down at the table, Carlos looked like he'd been up all night playing a video game, and was loudly telling Logan about it all. Kendall would be going to a meeting after breakfast and was already talking to Mrs. Knight about what he had planned to do for the day. There would be college for all of us in the fall, and I was afraid the guys were all going to the same college with me, but Tony he was going to New York on a fashion scholarship. Tony ate quietly, his eyes moving to watch me as I ate, fluttering from my hands to my face, he wouldn't make eye contact though.

Tony smiled as he got up and put his plate in the dishwasher, and then left the room I heard him turn on the shower next door. I was thinking of him under the water with all the steam, beads running through his hair, and down his body. I finished eating quickly kissed Mrs. Knight on the cheek and almost ran out and back to my apartment.

Tony and I still hadn't had sex for the first time, and since the events with Mr. Knight the doctors told me I'd have to wait for that step, to avoid adding any more stress or trauma to his life, But I'd wanted him for a while, I lay in my bed, still listening to the shower in the next room.

I was stiffening in my underwear, getting hard and feeling myself through the basketball shorts I'd worn to bed the previous night. I closed my eyes and tilted my head back, thinking about his body pressed to mine, beautiful lips touching mine, God! they felt like silk. Inhaling the scent of Tony's perfume left on my sheets, and my mind went back to thinking of him in the shower. I want to trace my fingers down his ribs. and fuck I gasp as a hot sticky stream erupts over my hand and some of it lands on my shirt and my face and in my hair. The shower has stopped, and there's someone in my doorway. I open my eyes.

"uh sorry, did I interrupt you?" Tony asks now fully dressed in jeans, a blazer and a form fitting black Big Time Rush tee shirt. His long feathery eyelashes fluttered from beneath winged eyeliner.

I blush, red clashing with my tan, " um..not at all," I said and reached for a towel to clean myself up. " I was just, thinking of how much I love you" I said, I stood up and kissed him.

"well, I'm going out, I have to go do some of my volunteering down at the LGBT center, and then I have work after, James I'm not sure if today's the right time but we need to talk about something soon." he said kissing me back and walking out the door.

I sigh and lay back in bed, falling asleep again.


End file.
